Some thoughts on the hard days - recorded August 21st

Some of the major issues for me (and the things that I think contribute the most to the feeling of entrapment are:

-the inability to drive (ie get out when I need to, run errands for my family, bring groceries home)

-the language barrier (this one is tough.  I have a new appreciation for missionaries now and a new appreciation for the church and the perfect way that they handle missionaries going all over the world)

-the loss of independence.  This has been a killer for me.  My entire life, I have been independent.  I have never felt so dependent on people as I do now.  

When we moved to Prov,o my children were sick for several months with hardly a break to recover in between.  I had to accept AND ask for help so many times and it was truly a trying experience for me.  I have such a difficult time asking for help. I was grateful for that trial to end but still felt multiple times afterwards that I had to ask for help and it was a challenge for me. 

  Living here, I can’t help but wonder if Heavenly Father was preparing me for this new and much larger challenge.  In China, you cannot survive without help. 

  My friend Chrizelle explained that western culture desires independence but that interdependence is much more successful.  We need each other and work better when working together. 

I had never thought of this before.  I was raised to be independent.  To be able to care for myself.  I have always seen dependence as weakness.  This new concept of interdependence has been stuck in my mind.  It is easy to see, that logically, of course it makes the most sense.  The hard part for me is actually living it.  Letting someone buy my lunch and buying theirs next time (my mind instantly starts calculating costs to see if it is all even).  I have no problem giving with no expectation of anything in return (as long as I decided that on my own) but the other is difficult for me.  Also, if someone does something for me, I feel like I owe them and that is difficult for me.  I want to repay as quickly as possible so that it isn’t sitting in the back of my mind.  Trading babysitting is that way for me.  I want to repay as quickly as possible.  I have no problem babysitting first and do not even care if I never cash out. 

You can see how crazy it is in my mind and how independent I like to be.